it is never, and was never a contest. no one is winning anything and no one is losing something. if ever someone says it is, i’d probably nod and agree. “yes, maybe. could be. a joy-grabbing contest perhaps?” i’d say. the joy the heart feels when i get to hold her hand and grasp it tight. the smile my eyes see after letting out a grin. oh, mine means a whole paragraph full of comfort and warmth. it is the look i get and the expression i desire and the words, “what are you looking at?” it is those moments that drive me crazy. and these are also the moments i think about before my eyes hide. a burst of laughter follows after the usual question. another joke, i see. and when reality slaps, who could possibly forget? i was with her. i was with her. we held hands. we strolled around. she looked back and saw my every blink. hoping she understood, “all i want is you” was all there is. almost every night, i dream of her. and in every dream, in my dreams, we talk relaxed, we laugh endlessly, we hug tightly, and we hold hands so dearly that when i wake up, i feel her presence. sometimes, i try to go back and dream and forever stay to the world i have fantasized selfishly. sunrise will come while i still hug my human-sized pillow. i hide my eyes and plunge my thoughts into numerous memories we have shared. “let us make more memories. let me be a part of those of yours. let us slowly drift away” whispering and humbly asking the gods to grant this unhumbly request. i crave for more time with my cotton-filled pillow, with you. “snooze!” i say! snooze.