4.14.2009

it's always about time

it’s always about time.

it’s love when you do things you do not usually do, or you don’t do things you usually do.

i was keeping my balls from every girl that passes by, keeping my testosterone low, because i was hoping that there will come a time wherein all details shall be placed perfectly, and i, still hopingly to be the groom, will be having the chance to see her in that long dress she have been planning for her wedding day (regardless of who the groom might be, I guess).

things change so fast, and most of the time, it hurts. but technically, people change faster, way faster than flowers bloom or how the sun sets, even faster than the turning of colors of stoplights, and so it hurts more, much more. everything changes so quickly that most of the time; they do not give us chances to react upon situations at the right moment. you know why? it is because most of the time, we are not aware. we are not warned, we are not guided.

as i sit here, back here where i left a few hours ago, it seems that everything has changed. the people are not the same, their clothes have changed, new faces here and there. everything seems changed except for this bench that i treat as a home—a place constant, a resting place, maybe a piece of stone that i see as a comfort zone for waiting.

everybody needs one, a comfort zone—a place where one cry and shout without restrictions, be the person one wants and needs to be when the situation arises and pushes. everyone needs a constant in his life—a place that is always there, a place not changing, a place not changing, a place not changing!

when i sit here, in this broken cemented bench, ideas and images come naturally, randomly. and today, i see nothing. is it time to go? i hope not. i hope not.

i have always welcomed change and thought of it as a natural part of life, the cycle of life i have imagined where people come and go and things appear and disappear. it has become the thrill of my life since i was still a kid, but now, i don’t seem to remember how i managed to get things through. i am dumbfounded by situation, the strings attached, maybe afraid of what might happen afterwards. for a moment, i was thinking of letting things flow—kay sera sera, whatever will be will be, but i could not let it happen. i could not let things happen without being prepared.

it has been a part of me i guess, to be prepared. i think and think most of the time, hoping that tomorrow’s, or maybe later’s situation will not be a smashing surprise. yes, i do love surprises, but i hate when i am not aware, prepared.

it seems everything in my life right now is not going as i planned. or, did I plan anything? i forgot. i forget easily. i always forget, but i hope this part of my life sinks deeply.