9.30.2007

ang selfish mo naman

small acts of random kindness sabi ni God sa evan almighty.

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listen to what i am not saying sabi sa isang libro na hindi ko na matandaan.

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naiinip na siya. mag-isa siyang naka-upo sa kanyang kwarto, pilit na nagbabasa kahit alam na wala namang natatandaan. tahimik. tulog na rin kasi ang lahat--hindi naman lahat.

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i'm sorry if i can't be there for you always, for not being able to understand you at every occasion, for not being able to be the best for you. i don't deserve you.

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gusto niyang gumawa ng sariling palabas, iskrip, na tulad ng evan almighty, big fish, at ibang mga libro na astig kung magbigay ng mga aral. gusto niyang magsulat ng magandang akda, na maglalabas ng nararamdaman niya, at magbibigay din ng magandang aral para sa iba.

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wala siyang maka-usap. wala siyang makasama. sa mga ganitong panahon kasi, kadalasan, tulog na ang mga tao. mag-uumaga na kasi. kung sabagay, kahit umaga naman at gising ang mga tao, iilan lang ang makakaintindi sa kanya. sa kasamaang palad, may sariling buhay din siya at hindi niya trabaho ang makinig sa mga walang kwenta kong mga... kwento.

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i'm sorry if i can't be there for you always, for not being able to understand you at every occasion, for not being able to be the best for you. i don't deserve you.

sana nakikinig ka, kahit hindi ko nasasabi sayo. i am not perfect, and i have my faults. it's just that... sanay na sanay na akong nandyan ka para sa'kin.

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mali. mali. binura niyang muli ang sinulat sa likod ng kanyang reviewer. madumi nanaman ang reviewer niya. lagi naman, basta nagsusulat siya.

tinuloy na lang niya, kahit puro bura at puro correction.

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i'm sorry if i can't be there for you always, for not being able to understand you at every occasion, for not being able to be the best for you, though i want to and try to. i don't deserve you, but i want to.

i hope you can hear me, even if my words can't reach you. i am not perfect, and i have my faults, i know.

i want to be the best for you--the man who'll be there for who every time at every moment, the man who'll protect you and care for you, the man who'll understand you at every emotion you'll be having regardless whether you tell him or not, the man who'll listen to you even when you're not in the mood. the man whom you'll be allowing to enter in your life.


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wala na siyang pakialam sa grammar, nagsisimula na kasing pumikit ang kanyang mga mata. gusto nang magpahinga ng kanyang mga mata, pero ayaw naman ng utak, nag-iisip nang nag-iisip, nag-aalala.

pinagpatuloy na lang niya ang pagsusulat. ayaw na rin niyang mag-isip. ayaw nang mag-alala. tatapusin lang niya 'tong akda at matutulog na rin siya.

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yes, but then, my heart is not acting the way my mind wants him to be. my mind says "shut up, she'll be fine" but my heart keeps pounding as if he knows something. yes, i think i'm just being paranoid, or selfish, or, i don't know. i just don't know.

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hindi. hindi. mali nanaman. gusto na niyang matulog pero sadyang magulo ang kanyang isip.

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yes, i want to be that man. but then, there are things, or feelings, i just don't understand, that even me can't help but ask.

it seems that my heart is not acting the way my mind wants him to be. my minds says "she'll be fine, so shut up." but my heart keeps pounding in reply. it seems that he does not want to agree, as if he knows something.

i think it is what they call "care", or "love", or "selfishness"? i don't know.

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"ang selfish naman ng... ang selfish ko." nasabi na lang niya sa sarili niya.

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i am selfish, and i am sorry for that. you know i love, so much. i care for you so much, and i just can't afford to let something bad happen to you. i hope i could just easily tell you, let you feel, let you understand how much i appreciate you, look up to you, care for you, love you. i am sorry for not being able to.

soon, i will. time will help me.

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nang matapos niyang isulat ang huling linya, napangiti na lang siya.

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i'll be the man for you.