8.31.2007

kwentuhan mo ko...

kwentuhan mo ko...

kwentuhan mo ko, kahit imbentong mga kwento lang. hindi ko naman kailangan ng kwento talaga e. oo, gusto ko malaman kung kamusta yung araw mo, o kung anu-ano ang mga ginawa mo buong araw. pero, gusto ko rin malaman kung anong kinain mo nung tanghalian, o nabigatan ka ba sa bag na dala mo kanina dahil may dala kang dictionary, o napagod ka ba sa p.e. mo kanina. kahit mga simpleng mga bagay lang, matutuwa na ako. o kung hindi man, kung alam ko na ang mga bagay na iyon, pwede ka naman sigurong mag-imbento ng kung ano. halimbawa, bigla na lang pumasok sa isip mo si john lloyd at gusto mong magkwento tungkol sa buhay niya, o kung hindi man ay mga ambisyon o pangarap mo. kahit ano lang, kahit anong kwento. hindi naman kasi talaga kwento ang habol kong marinig, yung boses mo lang--yung tipong masaya kang nagkwekwento ng kung ano, tapos makikinig ako at sabay nating pagtatawanan o pag-uusapan. wala lang. para lang humaba yung oras na magkasama tayo. siguro, palusot para magkausap tayo o para makita lang kita o matitigan kita. gano'n lang.

kwentuhan mo ko....sige na.

my mistake

do you still remember the times when I tell you how much your happiness mean to me, how important your smiles are? i’ve never forgotten those words, for those words are not just simple letters gathered together to form some sweet meanings. for me, those words are declarations of my love for you, that i’ll forever treasure and make you feel good, that i’ll try to make you smile every time and every opportunity i have when we are, or even we are not together.

i’ll comfort you when you’re not feeling well, hold you when you need someone to hold on and lean to, listen when you had a bad day and all you want to do is to talk about it. i’ll be with you always when you need me. i’ll do everything that i always do because i am happy doing them for you. your happiness still means a lot to me. it will always be.

i may have hurt you today, i may have hurt you a couple of times, but please remember that i hate hurting you. never did i want to hurt you in any way, i want to let you know that. sometimes, i’m moody, difficult to understand, and have questions and words that are full of garbage. for those times, i apologize. i apologize for the words wrongfully said, i didn’t mean it. please just try to understand.

i may have hurt you before, i may have told you how sorry i am, but I never forgot those days. i will never forget those days because i know i don’t have the right to hurt you. i don’t have any right. all i have is a privilege—to make you happy in every way I know. all I have is that privilege you gave me that i don’t want to waste—the privilege to love you and be with you.

wirdo ako e. mahirap intindihin. madalas walang kwenta kausap, NR. pero, ako, ‘pag may sinabi, ginagawa ko. wala akong sinasabing hindi totoo o tinutupad, lalo na kung nangako ako. 'pag sinabi ko kasi, sinigurado ko muna na kaya kong gawin.

natatandaan mo no’ng sinabi ko sa’yo na masaya ako na nangyari ‘to, na wala akong pinagsisisihan, na mahalaga ka sa’kin, na wala na akong mahihiling pa, na napakasaya ko, na hindi ko gustong saktan ka, na iintindihin kita lagi, na hindi ako magsasawa? wala pa ring pinagbago. hindi sa ayaw kong masira yung mga pangako ko, masaya kasi ako.

8.30.2007

lumabas si hitler at marcos sa betsin

hindi naman ito siguro panaginip na mamaya'y magiging din ako. katunayan, pagkadilat ko ng aking mga mata, nagulat na lang ako at nandito na ako. hindi ko naman alam kung anong lugar 'tong napasukan ko.

may kulay ginto na tarangkahan na humarang sa akin. bagaman nakaharang, kitang kita ko naman ang mga tao sa loob, marami sila at tila masayang masaya. tinanong ako ng lalaking nakarobang puti na sa unang tingin ay kagagaling lang ng banyo, "ano'ng pangalan mo?"

hindi ko sinagot ang tanong niya. ay! sinagot ko pala ngunit hindi ang tanong niya. sinagot ko siya ng isa pang tanong, "paano mo nalamang pilipino ako?" nakapagtataka naman kasi dahil hindi siya mukhang pilipino. ang damit niya ay kakaiba, buhok niya'y hindi kulot at siya'y matangkad. natanong ko hindi dahil gusto kong malaman, ang nais ko lang talaga ay malaman kung bakit ako narito. baka kasi alam niya ang sagot.

ilang mga katanungan lang at pinapasok din niya ako. akala ko naman ay hahayaan na lang niya akong abutan ng ulan doon sa labas. at sa aking pagpasok, isang matanda ang sumalubong sa akin. nang tingnan kong mabuti, napansin kong may mga sumusunod sa kanya. ilang mga lalaki na may hawak na mga kwaderno. naalala ko tuloy noong unang taon ko sa kolehiya, tandang tanda ko pa, pilosopiya... socrates! siya kaya si socrates?

noong una'y hindi ko siya, sila papansinin ngunit siya mismo ang lumapit sa akin. tinanong ako ng matanda, "iho, ano'ng pangalan mo?" matagal akong napatitig sa kanya. hindi ko alam ang isasagot. hindi sa takot akong ma-kidnap o maging biktima ng akyat-bahay. alam ko naman kasing hindi niya ako mahahabol ng matandang ito at alam ko rin na mas mabilis akong tumakbo sa mga lalaking nasa likod niya. kung anu-ano lang kasi ang pumasok sa aking isip at tila nakalimutan ko ang tanong niya. at sa pagnanais na makalayo, tinanong ko na lang din siya, "paano mo nalamang pilipino ako?" hindi naman ata niya narinig kaya't umalis na lang ako nang mabaling ang tingin niya sa mga ibong nag-iingay sa may poste ng ilaw.

tinahak ko ang kalsadang unang nakita ko. ang kinis ng kalsada dito, halos kung ikukumpara, talo pa ang pwet ko sa kinis. maghahanap sana ako ng matinong matatanungan tungkol sa lugar at kung paano makauuwi dahil wala ring dyip o bus na makita ngunit naagaw ng dalawang lalaki ang aking atensyon. magkaharap na nakaupo ang dalawang lalaki sa bangko habang nagkwekwentuhan. tila magkasundong-magkasundo ang dalawa dahil sa tawanan niya. naisip ko naman, walang bir o gin sa tabi nila kaya't siguro'y matino namang kausap ang mga ito. nilapitan ko, magtatanong na sana ako nang mapansin ko ang bigote ng isa. alam ko 'to, kilala ko 'to e! hindi siya artista, at sigurado ako roon. hindi siya atleta. litrato... video... hitler! anak ka ng...!

nanuyo ang aking lalamunan at hindi na ako nakapag-isip. kumaripas na ako ng takbo habang hindi pa niya ako nakita. nang makalayo-layo na ako, nagtago ako sa isang mataas at malapad na puno. hindi ko na inisip kung anong uri ng puno iyon, tutal bobo naman ako sa agham o siyensya. sumilip ako sa kanila. hindi nila ako napansin.

pinagmasdan ko silang dalawa habang sila'y nag-uusap at naglalaro ng chess, o dama o snakes and ladders kaya iyon?

natuwa naman ako sa kanila habang pinapanood ko sila. humahalakhak si hitler habang nagpapatawa ang kausap. nagtaka naman ako, "sino kaya ang kausap niya? ang tapang naman...."

ang kasama naman niya ang tinitigan ko. parang namumukhaan ko siya. tila nakita ko na siya sa kung saan. parang artista... hindi, nakikita ko siya sa telebisyon, alam ko. alam ko. "...i declare martial..." anak ng...! wala nang isip-isip, naghanap na lang ako ng bagong matatanungan.

napansin ko nanaman ang kalsada, ang kinis talaga. inikut-ikot ko ang aking ulo, napansin ko na walang mga bangketa, wala ring mga sasakyan, dyip o traysikel man lang. kaya siguro walang lubak, kaya siguro ang kinis ng pwet ng lugar na 'to.

wala nang tao sa mga kalsada. madilim na ang langit ngunit halos lahat ng bahay doon ay bukas pa ang mga ilaw. nag-aalinlangan tuloy ako kung tutuloy ba ako sa paglalakad o babalik na lamang sa mga nadaanan ko ngunit kasabay nito, naisip ko rin, nadaanan ko na sila, babalik pa ba ako? isa pa, baka may mga militar na nakatago roon at pagbabarilin ako o kung malasin, mapagtripan at kilitiin hanggang maubusan ng hininga, nakatatakot naman.

kaya pinili ko na lang na tumuloy sa paglalakad kahit alam kong matatagalan. hindi naman mainit at hindi rin masyadong madilim dahil sa mga ilaw sa tabi ng kalsada. habang naglalakad, gusto ko sanang matawa, o naguguluhan din at nagtataka, sa kung saang lupalop ba ito at wala akong maintindihan.

hatshepsut, thutmose, sana naman hindi sila magpakita rito at siguradong babalik ako kila hitler at marcos. dumating ako sa isang kanto, napasilip, at nakakita ko ng batang babae nakaupo sa may tabi. sana naman ay hindi ito si elsa ng bantay bata o kung sino naman. pero, natuwa na rin ako nang makita kong hindi siya umiiyak, ayaw ko naman kasing magpatahan ng batang hindi ko kilala lalo na't sa mga ganitong panahon na naliligaw ako.

nang makita kong hindi siya umiiyak, binalak ko nang umalis at magpatuloy dahil sigurado naman akong hindi niya matuturo ang daan ko pauwi ngunit pinigilan ako ng isang tanong. "anong pangalan mo?" ikatlong beses ko na itong naririnig at kahit isang beses ay hindi ko sinagot. bago pa ako makasagot ay tinundan pa ni elsa ng isa pang tanong ang tanong, "bago ka rito?"

"bago ka rito?"

"...ka rito?"

"...ka rito..."

"...rito..."

umalingawngaw nang paulit-ulit ang boses ng bata sa buong paligid. umikot at tila gumuho ang mga gusali at punong naroon. mabilis. magulo. mabilis na mabilis. maingay.

"gising na! tanghali na! may pasok ka pa." sabi ng aking kapatid habang niyuyugyog ako.

anak ng... marami nanaman siguro akong nakaing betsin.

8.25.2007

the real

under these dark clouds, sweet whistles of the cool wind, soft lazy murmurs of the trees and birds, i sat. in a bench where most people study and chat and do their stuff noisily with friends, i, alone sat silently; carefully looking and sometimes, staring—observing. my eyes wandered from left to right, right to left, but my mind still stayed with the clouds above. they’re starting to form a weird shape I could not figure out quite well. one thing I recognized was that bit by bit, small droplets were falling on me.

but, i did not stand, or even move. my mind was ready for the coming of the rain, heavy or not; i wanted to be poured with lots of droplets. not that i wanted to be soaked wet, i just wanted to feel free—the feeling of not being restrained by these clothes that i’m wearing or the umbrella in my bag that I should be using before these droplets become heavy and as such—the feeling i just can’t explain in a more sensible or rational way—the feeling of knowing that people would just laugh because of it’s unexplainable weirdness of some sort.

i could not help but close my eyes and feel the blessings nature, and life, has given me.

and suddenly, suddenly, it all became real. everything became real. everything. she.

a voice came inviting.

pjam, hun, sabay na tayo matulog….

sagip

bitbit niyang mabuti ang plorerang humahawak ng magaganda at makukulay na mga bulaklak. sari-sari at naiiba ang amoy at itsura ng mga ito. tila may halong galak ang bawat sibol. ililipat lang sana niya ito ng lugar upang masinagan ng araw nang biglang dumulas at malaglag ito sa kanyang mga palad. hindi niya alam kung bakit at kung paano ito nangyari.

basak. at, walang pag-aalinlangan siyang yumuko nang mabagsak ang plorera. nagkalat ang mga bubog, pati na rin patak ng kanyang dugo na humalo sa tubig. nakahilata ang iba pang mga bulaklak habang ang iba nama'y nasa palad na niya. dahan-dahan, pinupulot at inaayos niyang muli ang mga ito--tulad nang bago pa ito nilagay sa ngayon na basag na plorera.

huli na nang malaman niyang nasasama ang mga bubog sa kanyang pagpulot. tumutusok sa kanyang mga palad. ang ilan, sa kanyang mga braso pa. doon na lamang niya naramdaman ang sakit nang makita niya ang mga dugong nawala sa kanya. ngunit, kasabay na rin nito ang paniniwalang binuo niya sa kanyang sarili.

gagaling din siya at kasabay ng paghilom ng mga sugat na ito ang patunay na kahalagahan ng mga bulaklak na pinulot.

hindi niya ninais na baguhin ang mga nangyari. katunayan, sa kanyang isip, at patuloy na tumatakbo sa kanyang isip araw-araw, kung sakaling magkaroon ng muling pagkakataon, hindi pa rin siya mag-aalangang pulutin ang mga ito dahil alam niyang higit sa mga sugat at peklat ang kasiyahan na nadarama niya sa tuwing nakikita ang mga ito.

8.17.2007

she's everything

the mere image of her was in his mind just as he woke up this morning. in an unknown but magnificent land, she stood smiling. with a white dress on her and all other features that had always mesmerized him, he stood with admiration—as always. everything was perfect. her. her smile. her dimples. her eyes. her dress. her as or being her. everything.

he couldn’t help but stare at that image—the whole perfect image that no words could possibly describe and no poet could possibly express.

he stood there staring at her; smiling, too. he told himself, “i love her. i love this. i love you.” he slowly and effortlessly walked before her and took her hand without saying a single word, and went on reminding himself that the person next to him is….

Title: She’s Everything
Artist: Brad Paisley

She’s a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She’s I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She’s I can’t find a thing to wear
Now and then she’s moody

She’s a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowing
She’s a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She’s a warm conversation
That I wouldn’t miss for nothing
She’s a fighter when she’s mad
And she’s a lover when she’s loving

[Chorus]
And she’s everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
‘Cause she’s everything to me

She’s a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She’s a cross around her neck
And a cuss word ’cause its Monday
She’s a bubble bath and candles
Baby come and kiss me
She’s a one glass of wine
And she’s feeling kinda tipsy

She’s the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She’s a picture in my wallet
Of my unborn children’s mother
She’s the hand that I’m holding
When I’m on my knees and praying
She’s the answer to my prayer
And she’s the song that I’m playing

[Repeat chorus]

She’s the voice I love to hear
Someday when I’m ninety
She’s that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she’s the one
That I’d lay down my own life for

And she’s everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She’s everything to me
Yeah she’s everything to me

Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She’s everything to me

8.16.2007

in this moment of desperation, she comes

in this moment of desperation, he speaks silently. his words are utterly slow and long and soft. his voice low; outwardly tired. tired of life, he always says.

in his room, he would often speak to himself. sometimes, lying on his bed, in the bathroom while taking a bath, or taking a dump, thoughts would come out of his head. interesting thoughts, he would say. well, he is always like that, the bizarre in him, that when he thinks, nothing comes. only in the most sudden time and place those thoughts would come—time and place which pens and papers are inaccessible.

in this moment of desperation, the gap between happiness and being blue, he speaks to himself using the voice inside him. alone. he tells the story of a boy that had no father since seven. the boy was forced to be independent—to learn to stand on his own—bare footed—alone. walking on hot cements and leaning on cold windows of cars, he was forced to do so without a hand helping him. he was forced to beg and find food for himself. he needed to survive.

one day at a time, the boy lived. each day, with his friends in different corners of the city, he learns new things. and soon, effortlessly, he had learned. on his own, he made his own slippers, knitted his own clothes, begged or even stole his own food, and made his own community.

the life he took, or presented to him, was a messy and dangerous one, but he always knew what to do. though he lived his life one day at a time, he had dreams kept in his innermost soul. he wanted to have a future. he had goals in life that made him different from the others in the city. that became his power. his motivation. his inspiration.

one day, out of the blue, a man approached him claiming he was his father. silence filled his heart. he knew the man was telling the truth. the color and shape of their eyes, the shape of their faces, their voice, and even their height were almost the same. then, no sound, no heartbeat, no echo was heard. silence ruled. though surprised, no question was asked. the boy just smiled, for he knew that it was still better. better than being alone and walking bare footed

ring! ring! apparently, he wasn’t alone. the telephone rang. once, twice. then, it went off. the room was silent once again. no sound, no heartbeat, no echo. nothing at all.

he didn’t even bother to stand. actually, he was hoping and expecting that the telephone would stop without him answering.

meanwhile, a thought crossed him. he closed his eyes and tried to grasp it further. he wanted this story. he kept telling himself, he wanted this story. remember. remember. remember.

but as he tries further, the more it faded.

but, another thought crossed him again. this time, it was different. it was more like a memory of some sort. it’s not a story. oh, yes, it’s not a story, but it has stories in them. like a book that has been read more than a thousand times and is opened once more, it brings back the feeling—the joy.

it reminded him of something good. she remind him to stay happy. it is evident in the honesty in his smile.

still, in his room, in this moment of desperation, a force changes his mood. he wasn’t trying to grasp another story nor thinking of some invented instances. clips of memories come naturally. flows and overwhelms his heart. creates and then, leaves the land of being blue. floating. floating.

he stands up, leaves his bed and turns to the unanswered phone a while ago. his thoughts still empty, but his heart overflowing. he puts the phone by his ear and dials. ring! ring!

his voice now different from a while ago. his words now more lively and high.

hello? pjamie?

hello…

he smiles, lasts.

8.08.2007

gusto kong lumipad

gusto kong lumipad. yung pakiramdam na nasa taas ka ng lahat. ang sarap siguro ng pakiramdam.

tatakbo ka ng mabilis na mabilis, habang sabay na ipapaypay ang mga kamay. taas baba. sabay talon kapag humipan na ang malakas na hangin. paypay lang ng paypay. hanggang umabot ka sa taas kung saan makikita mo na yung mga bagay na dati ay pinapangarap mo lang. makikita mo lahat. buo. sa baba ng paa mo. tapos, tiyaka mo lang ititigil ang mga kamay. hahayaan na lang na dalhin ng hangin kung saan niya nais. paikot-ikot. palayo. pabalik. pataas. pababa, pero kauti lang. ‘wag naman sobrang baba.

nakakatakot lang lumipad. kasi, hindi mo alam kailan ka babagsak. kaya nga ‘pag may plano ka talagang lumipad, dapat paghandaan mo. hindi puwede yung trip trip lang.

gusto kong lumipad, hindi naman makalipad. hindi sa natatakot ako. tingin ko kasi, hindi pa ako handa. gusto ko, ‘pag dumating yung araw na makalilipad na ako, alam ko na rin kung paano bumaba. ayaw ko rin namang manatili doon. magiging malungkot ang buhay ko kung gano’n. ang sabi kasi sa akin dati, sabi na rin sa akin ng aking mga napagdaanan, kung gusto kong lumipad, dapat handa ako sa lahat ng bagay. hindi yung… ..handa akong malaglag. madapa. masugatan. mapilayan. mabalian. maospital. kaya nga hindi rin ako nagmamadali.

kaso, minsan, hindi mo naman maiwasang magtaka. mag-isip. kung ano nga ba ang mayroon doon. kung ano ang pakiramdam ‘pag nasa taas ka na. ‘pag nasa baba na silang lahat. nagtataka lang.

kaso, kung iisipin mo, nakakatakot din. paano kung hindi ka na makababa. mabulok ka na roon sa taas. o kung hindi, malasin, mahipan ng hangin paibaba. ospital. patay. patay.

kung hindi man, ang lungkot sigurong manatili roon ng matagal. wala kang kasama. wala kang kausap. lahat, malayo sa’yo. oo nga, kilala ka ng lahat. pero, kilala mo ba sila?

mayroon akong kakilala rati. ang galing niya. magkababata kami pero nakarating na siya sa taas. nakalipad na siya. ang taas nga ng narating niya. bilib na balib ako sa kanya noon. kaso, sa sobrang taas ata niya, nang umaraw, hindi niya nagawang umiwas. nasunog siya. mayroon din akong isa pang kakilala. nakarating na rin siya roon. nakalipad na rin siya kaso tinamaan ng kidlat.

naisip ko, hindi biro ang paglipad. maraming pananagutan kapag lumilipad ka na. kailangan marunong kang makisama sa lahat ng bagay—lalo na sa araw at kung ano man na siguradong higit pa sa mga kakayanan natin. at marami pang iba. sigurado, marami pang mga bagay ang dapat kong matutunan at malaman.

hindi na lang, maghihintay na lang ako. maghahanda. balang araw, makararating din ako roon. at, matututo akong bumaba ng tama.

8.04.2007

love the things your love ones love

she was sitting by the coffee table while reading this book. her eyes steady and deep, evidently how intense she was drawn by this story. she’s been there in that position for almost three hours, but has not spoken a single word. it was already seven o’clock, and in any minute, it’ll be dinner time.

a loud voice came in an instant, shouting, “dinner time!”

it was not an ordinary day for her. everything was peaceful. everything was in order. and, with this book that she was reading, new thoughts came to her. new thoughts came to her. clear thoughts. clear stories as well.

nevertheless, she placed the book down. she didn’t say a word, but stood up as soon as she heard the voice. she wasn’t smiling, but it was apparent that she was feeling good. a bookmark then was inserted in the middle of the bulk pages. leaving the book, she strode down the staircase and glanced at the food being served.

carrots for dinner. she was not a vegetarian. actually, she hated vegetables. but really, this day was not an ordinary day. everything was in order. after praying, she scooped some rice and voluntarily scooped some carrots and vegetables as well.

lovely day. peaceful.

carrots, it was the favorite of one of her friends. she remembered a thought said in the book...

8.02.2007

yin at yang. tama at mali, lalaki at babae.

sabi sa akin, ang yin-yang daw ay simbolo ng pagkabalanse. yin, para sa itim at yang naman para sa puti. alam niyo ba ang tinutukoy ko?

puti at itim, white and black, mabuti at masama, positive and negative, lalaki at babae. ano raw? ang puti ay simbolo ng lalaki, itim naman para sa babae? aba! bakit naman nagka-ganoon?

oo, balanse nga ang pinag-uusapan dito. balanse ang puti at itim, mabuti at ang masama, lalaki at ang babae pero bakit ganoon? bakit puti ang sumisimbolo ng lalaki at itim sa babae? ibig sabihin nito ay mabuti at positive ang lalaki? madumi, masama, negative ang mga babae?

paano naman naging balanse iyon? parang sinabi na rin natin na hindi balanse ang lalaki at babae. hindi sila pantay, pero nasa bilog sila ng yin-yang, tama ba? aba! may kakaiba hindi ba?

teka nga muna, ba't nga ba itim ang sumisimbolo ng kasamaan? ba't naman puti ang sumisimbolo ng kabutihan? sa punto pa lang dito, mapapansin natin na may hindi na balanse. hindi patas ang pagbibigay ng kulay. tapos, dahil nasabi na na pang-masasama ang itim, lahat ng mapupunta sa itim ay masama na rin. tulad nga ng "babae" sa yin-yang.

may papasok nanaman na pilosopo na magsasabing "teka nga! naalala ko, sabi sa amin ng guro namin, wala raw tama at mali. magka-iba lang sila. advantageous and disadvantageous."

paano na ngayon yan? ngayon, wala nang tama at mali. wala nang itim at puti. sa makatuwid, hindi na tamang sabihin na mabuti ang mabuti, masama ang masama. sa ngayon, ang masama ay puwede nang tawaging mabuti. ang mabuti ay maaari na ring matawag na masama.

kung gayon, hindi nga talaga pantay ang lalaki at babae. walang balanse sa mundo, tama ba? kung gayon ba ay hindi rin tama ang konseptong yin-yang? o, mali ang pilosopo na nagsabi na "walang tama at mali" ?