7.26.2006

with or without you, my life must go on

everything has finally come to an end. from the greatest dream to the best reality felt, it seems everything should be started all over again. everything seems to be shattered. it took a huge part of my life and everything i’ve fantasized. but, one lesson i’ll forever remember: to never give everything, save something, leave something for myself.

i gave everything. so now, i have nothing left. that chapter ended and took everything; it included the life i carefully treasured for almost 18 years and the dream i’ve hoped in my next years. in just a matter of days, my whole life was gone. now, i need to start and ponder every step once more. again. though i gave my all, i still lost. or maybe, forever lost. why? for that was the key reason why i lost—because i gave my all.

i want to go on. i know, i need to. my mind wants to move on and continue what was intended—but without you. but, my heart refuses to do so. my love, my heart aches and remains in you. my lips and my eyes long the touch of yours. i hate to admit but i think i need you now. i need you and i want you here in my arms. wrap me with your warmth. just for a moment. maybe just for now, while i still need your presence. don’t worry, i completely understand that it is time to leave—that you’re not mine now—that you’re his and not mine now. i respect that you have your own life, own problems to settle, and own endeavor to conquer. i respect your decision as i accept that this is fate for me and you. i’ve now accepted the unreasonable reality that our moment has been shadowed by his daily presence and physical acts. i know i lost the fight for your love.

maybe i never really knew what you needed. maybe i was too captured that i’ve neglected what you wanted. maybe because the time was not just right. maybe because of the space that was too broad—wider than your eyes can ever wonder. whatever the core reason is, i hope you don’t regret that you chose me as a part of your sweet reserved life. i did what i thought was right, and you did too—i guess, and i really appreciate it.

i loved you the way i wanted you to be loved, cared for you the way i wanted to. then again, you loved me in such a way i was required to search. it was difficult for me to handle and maybe you too. maybe it was just an unknown misunderstanding that led to a sad goodbye.

i describe our love as abstract—a love that can’t be determined by an ordinary bystander. our relationship was beyond the sun’s rays and power. i believe that we’ll meet someday. we’ll meet in a different scenario, different situations and setting, and have a different kind of love—a love that will forever bind us faithfully—maybe a much simpler and clearer kind.

with or without you, i must move on. my life must go on and just continue to hope for something better. whatever the future may bring, whether it’s still you or another, i must stand alone and go on alone.