7.26.2006

with or without you, my life must go on

everything has finally come to an end. from the greatest dream to the best reality felt, it seems everything should be started all over again. everything seems to be shattered. it took a huge part of my life and everything i’ve fantasized. but, one lesson i’ll forever remember: to never give everything, save something, leave something for myself.

i gave everything. so now, i have nothing left. that chapter ended and took everything; it included the life i carefully treasured for almost 18 years and the dream i’ve hoped in my next years. in just a matter of days, my whole life was gone. now, i need to start and ponder every step once more. again. though i gave my all, i still lost. or maybe, forever lost. why? for that was the key reason why i lost—because i gave my all.

i want to go on. i know, i need to. my mind wants to move on and continue what was intended—but without you. but, my heart refuses to do so. my love, my heart aches and remains in you. my lips and my eyes long the touch of yours. i hate to admit but i think i need you now. i need you and i want you here in my arms. wrap me with your warmth. just for a moment. maybe just for now, while i still need your presence. don’t worry, i completely understand that it is time to leave—that you’re not mine now—that you’re his and not mine now. i respect that you have your own life, own problems to settle, and own endeavor to conquer. i respect your decision as i accept that this is fate for me and you. i’ve now accepted the unreasonable reality that our moment has been shadowed by his daily presence and physical acts. i know i lost the fight for your love.

maybe i never really knew what you needed. maybe i was too captured that i’ve neglected what you wanted. maybe because the time was not just right. maybe because of the space that was too broad—wider than your eyes can ever wonder. whatever the core reason is, i hope you don’t regret that you chose me as a part of your sweet reserved life. i did what i thought was right, and you did too—i guess, and i really appreciate it.

i loved you the way i wanted you to be loved, cared for you the way i wanted to. then again, you loved me in such a way i was required to search. it was difficult for me to handle and maybe you too. maybe it was just an unknown misunderstanding that led to a sad goodbye.

i describe our love as abstract—a love that can’t be determined by an ordinary bystander. our relationship was beyond the sun’s rays and power. i believe that we’ll meet someday. we’ll meet in a different scenario, different situations and setting, and have a different kind of love—a love that will forever bind us faithfully—maybe a much simpler and clearer kind.

with or without you, i must move on. my life must go on and just continue to hope for something better. whatever the future may bring, whether it’s still you or another, i must stand alone and go on alone.

7.25.2006

"assurance"

i have obtained everything i've written on my checklist.
i thought i had everything but found out i forgot to write one..
just one..
and that ruined it all
and now, it's too late
i forgot "assurance"

7.08.2006

nagpatiwakal ang maya

napasok ang ibon sa isang bahay nang hindi sinasadya. tuloy siya sa paglipad ngunit bumangga sa pader. hilo, ngunit muling lumipad.
muling lumipad.. at bumangga.

at bumangga, at bumangga, at bumangga.

saan ba ang labasan!?
********
nakita siya ng may-ari ng bahay

“’day, may nakapasok na ibon dito o. paki huli nga.”

“opo..!”

hinabol ngunit mailap. muling hinabol ni inday ngunit talagang mailap.

bagaman mailap ang ibon, sunud-sunod ang pagsalubong niya sa pader,
pagbangga,
na nagdudulot ng kanyang kabagalan.

********

nababangga siya dahil napapalibutan siya ng mga pader.
kung nanatili siyang malaya at hindi pumasok sa may hangganang lugar na iyon,
mababangga ba siya?

gaano man kailap, kung ang lugar na iyong ginagalawan ay may hangganan,
mahuhuli at mahuhuli ka rin.

atty see

every car that passes through the roads of makati city deserves a second look. every car means business. every car seems in a hurry.

as i visit the city where business is a must, silently, i took a glimpse of my future. suddenly, i saw a man inside his black humble jag. he was in his formal suit while in the phone conversing sweetly. obviously, it wasn’t about business. he looked familiar. he was smiling. then, as the light of the streets turned red to green, his jag ran.

as he went to a stop, his phone rang. he answered and listened closely. i took a curious stare at his lips that awkwardly explained everything. “ok, thanks beb, you too, take care. i love you.”

he grabbed his case and took the elevator. i followed. it stopped at the 23rd floor and the door opened as i've expected. it showed a wonderful piece of shiny plate that read:

see see see & see law offices

i was shaken, but in contrast with what i felt, he was calm. apparently, it was an ordinary day for atty. see.

a lady approached and greeted, “good morning, sir.” then, she continued, “sir, appointment at 1 in the afternoon in dr. l’s office and documents to be signed already at your table.” he smiled once again, “thank you, but, could you cancel all my appointments today, maybe next week? it’s our anniversary.”

upon hearing their conversation, i saw the clock that hung against the marbled wall. it was a digital that read:

8:49 a.m. november 23, 2027

“by the way, could you call the flower shop and ask them to make an arrangement for me. tell them i like 8 white tulips around my 23 red full-bloomed roses, ok?” and he added, “tell them i need it fresh and sweet.” he smiled once more.

“anything else, sir?” his secretary asked. he looked at her, and then said, “and…i’ll do the rest. thanks!” in a matter of seconds, he was gone. he was again found inside his jag driving when...

********

“ma, come on! i was dreaming the best dream! it was at its climax ma!!"

aral sa kakulangan

sa bawat labas ko ng aking pitaka, kirot sa aking puso ang nadarama. butas na bulsa ang tanging nakakapa at ilang baryang karamiha’y mga may ulo pa ni rizal. maging ang pambayad pamasahe sa mga traysikel at dyip ay pilit kong tinitipid. kadalasan, sa halip na sumakay ay maglalakad na lamang. mas pipiliin na lamang na maglakad, kalyohin at paltusin man ang aking mga talampakan, basta’t makatipid kahit ilang barya lamang.

sa hirap ng buhay, kahit bente-singko sentimo na makita sa daan ay aking pinupulot. ito’y mahalaga. pilit kong tinitipid ang mga bagay na maaaring matipid.

sa bawat pagtaas ng mga bilihin, sumisikip ang aking dibdib. ako’y natataranta at sabay kukuha ng kalkulador. isa-isang bibilangin ang mga gastusin at bayarin.

tuwing ako’y namimili, pilit kong kinukulit ang mga tindera upang ako’y makatawad ng lubos. susuriin ang bawat pinamili at titiyaking mga mahahalaga lamang ang mga nabayaran. at dahil sa kakapusan, ako’y natututong mag-isip. ako’y natutong magtipid at maging matalinong mamimili.